Dogday Morning

I recently went on maternity leave with mixed feelings. Half of me feels guilty that I should be working, since I am still physically capable, while the other rejoices in laziness. It isn't always half and half. Right now I'm at 75% rejoice, 25% regret. Silas is still here. He's been crated for the time being. As I dropped off the rent check, the landlord hinted that he might stop in to fix our kitchen sink sometime this week. Nicely vague and irritating of him... So as long as the threat of someone who cares about the condition of the carpet looms, Silas is on lockdown. I take him into the backyard at least 3 times a day, for at least 30 minutes, but I still just don't feel right about it. I wouldn't want to be in a cage for 20+ hours a day, even if it was big enough to be "comfortable". This morning I loaded both dogs into the car for a trip to the forest. I figured it would be a good way for Silas, who's wary of leashes, to run around for a bit and enjoy life. Jackie was her usual pain-in-the-ass self- high-pitched whining the whole car ride, jerking the leash with all her might (last trip she ran away for 45 minutes while unleashed)... Silas on the other hand was excellent, running back to body check me every few minutes, staying on the path without a leash. There were no people around, my back was getting tired from having seventy pounds of dog yanking its right side, and my ankles were getting weak from stumbling on the creekbed rocks because my balance was thrown off by the pulling, so I let her go. She ran, panted, found a wet spot to swim in, ate some grass, stayed within shouting range. Things were looking up. After about an hour we started back to the car. In the distance I spotted movement. Oh no! People on horseback! In as calm a voice as I could pretend, I commanded Jackie to "come." Of course she picked up on the edge in it and immediately looked around for why I wanted her to come. She's not entirely stupid, just selectively. It was mostly downhill from there. After nearly getting us both bucked in the face, riders thrown, horses fleeing, I managed to get close enough that she rolled over in defeat. Meanwhile Silas had run off (he's a lover, not a fighter). Luckily he was waiting at the car when we got there. I really think I could have killed Jackie today. It's been a long time since I felt so much uncontrollable rage. It was more than just the disobedience. I was ashamed of not being able to control her while 7 strangers sat above me and watched helplessly. Were they annoyed? Concerned? Mildly amused? Disgusted at my obvious desire to murder? Also I felt sorry that Silas was afraid of me. He's a sensitive dog. I meant for this to be fun and now it was just a nightmare. And most importantly I was furious that she'd endangered the baby. Besides the horses that could have kicked me, there was the overall stress of the situation. By the end of it I was dripping sweat, palms soaked and reaking of dogfear from where I'd slapped Jackie's snout and fisted her scruff. My hair was flying wildly loose from its clip. I was heaving from half-carrying her up the sides of the creek. As I type I hear two sounds. One is a frustrated whimper from Jackie, who's spending the afternoon chained up in the backyard (with a bowl of water). The other is Silas lightly snoring from the laundry room. So the trip was not a total loss.